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Rob always wears sand
Slide Show Page
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It's a fact we're all too familiar with: Rob always does wear sand. But Why, and whatever brought on this sad state of affairs?
If anyone out there has any suggestions at all as to why Rob always wears sand, don't hesitate to write them into the guestbook, so that then I can read them, analyse them and then, do nothing about it.
Seriously though, legend has it that Rob didn't always wear sand, in fact it is widely rumoured he was once spotted wearing a mild form of green- however these reports were never confirmed and so the mystery remains.....
WHY DOES ROB ALWAYS WEAR SAND?!?
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SUGGESTION NUMBER ONE: The Rainbow Theory
Leading psychiatrists have agreed that a tendancy to wear certain 'dull' colours in adolescence can stem from a childhood incident when the subject was over exposed to a rainbow.
The theory here can hence be applied to Rob in the way that as a youth his mother may have left his pram out in the garden with baby rob having a direct and uncomprimising view of the natural meteological event that is a rainbow. This over exposure would then have stained the infant Rob in a rash of colours- an unpleasant and wholly embarrasing situation for any individual.
In such a case, parents often dress their children in baser colours to try and balance out the garishness of their appearance; in Robs case his mother may have dressed him in sand, leaving Rob now almost into adulthood, still under the misconception than to wear sand is not just to gain comfort and break insecurity, but to also help disguise more unpleasant attributes such as ugliness, or an excess of hair.
LEFT: An artists impression of what Rob may have looked like as a child
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SUGGESTION NUMBER TWO: The Magic Genie Theory (unlikely)
This theory, although less renouned amongst those in a scientific field, is equally as plausable a reason as to why Rob always wears sand. It was reported by a Miss Katey Knight who claims she was a spectator on holiday with the aforementioned Rob when the incident took place:
'We were on the beach at Bognor Regis at the time, and had spent the afternoon drinking raspberry panda pops and eating Feast and Twister ice creams and catching sticklebacks between our toes whilst paddling in the deep brown sea. We had built magnificant sandcastles that day and had stuck some damp welsh flags on toothpicks into the top of the towers, yet the castle still seemed incomplete. I sent Rob to dig up some more sand and he soon came back clutching a strange brass oil lamp. We rubbed it clean to see it more clearly when a genie suddenly came gushing out of the spout and offered to grant Rob three wishes.
Rob overcome with joy and surprise did not notice Bonnie his faithful hound bounding up behind him to give him a big wet dog hug, he was far too deep in thought over what his wishes should be. So just as Rob realised his ultimate dream was to live in a giant sandcastle at his favourite holiday destination, Bognor Regis, his dog bounced upon him causing him to topple headfirst into the sand in mid speech. The last words the genie heard were,
'I WANT TO LIVE IN A SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!
And now Rob does indeed live in sand.'
LEFT: What Rob Would Have Wanted
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SUGGESTION THREE: The 'Negative Attention Is Better Than No Attention' Theory
This theory is rather self explanitary really: leading researchers into the debate over why exactly Rob always does wear sand probed into the idea that maybe Rob was actually wearing sand because if he didn't he would never have any other attention for any reason at all and no one would ever be vaguely interested in him ever again. Ever.
This would then class Rob into such a social group known as 'gimps' containing individuals who may, for example, cut four of their toes off to add interest and individuality to themselves.
We then followed Rob home to his dwellings in Wall Heath in order to get his personal opinions on the subject. Our reporter then dared to ask Rob the question everyone wants to know...
'Mr Wiley, why do you always wear sand?'
'Av you bin talkin to kate?'
'Im sorry Mr Wiley I don't understand such black country slur...'
'Actually this is 'Bog Premier' from 'Hows That' in stourbridge. Oi! Bonnie!'
'Oer...Dont like the look of that hungry alsation crossbreed.'
'Bonnie get in ya box!'
'Mr Wiley I cant help but feel you are distracted from the question... Why do you always wear sand?'
'Av you bin talkin to Em? I gotta go, 'eres the 256'
As you can easily see, it takes a lot of sheer will and determination to deter the elusive Mr Wiley for long. Too short amount of time and you dont establish a comprehensive conversation, too long and an individual could be brutally bored to death.
And so the sand mystery remains.
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