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THE PLUM / MACAULAY INTERVIEW:
Me: So then, I suppose its been a busy year for the Pubic boys, Oh how rude of me, would you like some cake?
Mac: No ta
Plum: Just a piece. Just a piece for me.
Me:James Macaulay, can you tell us how the Pubics started out?
Mac: Well I was working in a circus as a swinging acrobat, which was how I met Mason, our guitarist, he was working as a bearded lady and I was sent the once to feed him his grain. One dark night we decided to leave the circus life and escape in the moonlight. We got quite far until Mason was picked up by a dog catching van, mistaken for a stray. That's how we met Mike Kay, he was driving the van. Fortunately after proving that Mason was a licensed animal, we were allowed to go and on the way Mike Kay heard Mason twanging his beard strings, like a guitar. He realised this amazing talent Mason had and Mike got his guitar out and they played together. Then I started to sing.
Suddenly a herd of wild howling dogs came rushing up to Mikes van where we were standing and he quickly hoisted them into the back of it.
'Well you've certainly done me a favour' said Mike. 'Is there any way I can do you one?'
'Well,' I said. 'Why dont you join us on our travels and we can form a band.'
Mike gladly accepted this offer which brings me to how we met Deeming, our bassist.
When we got the van back to the pound we opened up the back and found there was one dog that had a slightly less pointy snout than the rest and didnt have a tail. That was Deeming. Turns out he had been abandoned as a child into the woods and had been brought up by a pack of wolves. We gave him a bass guitar. He couldnt play it, but he looked amusing holding it so we let him join the group. As for Plum-
Plum: I've finished my cake now. I want to tell this story. I had just won songwriter of the year award and I bumped into Macaulay at Stringfellows..
Mac: It was in a Soho bar, you gimp, you were a belly dancer!
Plum: I had my top off cos I was hot and actually I was suffrering from a stomach tremor, its a medical condition of mine and I'll thank you to leave it out of this interview. Anyway, you paid for me to dance for you-
Mac: Look how we met doesn't matter, I'll move on to Andi Sim... We woke up late one night in the caravan that we all live in and we heard a strange noise. We looked outside, it wasn't coming from Deemings kennel, it was something else. We noticed Plum and Mike Kay were missing from their bunkbeds. Me and Mason ran outside, scared we had lost our companions, but then we saw them. They were chanting things from the Satanic bible, something about taking their cats to the cattery and working in a hattery or something...anyway suddenly there was a puff of smoke in the middle of the pentagram they were standing around and then, right there in the middle stood the very devil himself. Andi Sim.
Plum: Macaulay get your hand off my knee.
Me: Moving on swiftly...You recently supported Spunkmeyer at the Rock Cafe, in Stourbridge. Are they a favourite band of yours?
Mac: Well Ive always been a big admirer of the band.
I remember when I was a wee lass I had an A3 sized poster of Tarnya Faghali on the ceiling above my bed. I used to wake up in the morning and say 'hello Tarnya, good girl there.'
Plum: I don't like them. They undermine me because they're so good. I think I heard my name in one of their songs...they were talking about my sexy body.
Mac: No they weren't, that was me whispering in your ear while we were watching them. Remember darling?
Plum: I said get your hand off my leg. What's wrong with you today Macaulay?
Mac: Plum, I want you.
Plum: We'll you cant have me. Well ok, just a piece of me.
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Indian Curry Rhapsody
Donated by Pia De Keyser:
Naan, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
had lime pickle now he's dead
naan, dinners just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away
Nan, oooh
didnt mean to make you cry
seen nothing yet just see the loo tommorow
curry on curry on
cause nothing really madras
too late, my dinners gone
sends shivers down my spine
rectum aching all the time
goodbye onion bhaji, Ive got to go
gotta leave you all behind and use the loo
nan oooooh
the doopiaza is so mild
sometimes I wish we'd never come here at all
Guitar solo
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh Rogan Josh pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely
very very spicey
Meat
Byriani (byriani)
Byriani (byriani)
Byriani and a nann
(a vindaloo loo loo)
Ive eaten balti, somebody help me
hes eaten balti get him to the lavatory
stand well back
cos the loo is quarantined
here it comes
there it goes
Technicolour yawn
I chunder
NO
Its coming up again
(there he goes)
coming back up again (up again)
here it goes again
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Im on my knees Im on my knees
hes on his knees oh there it goes
This vindaloo
its about to wreck my guts
poor me poor me poor meeee...
Guitar Solo
So you think you can chunder and feel alright?
so you think you can eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe
but now you puke like a baby
Just had to come out
just had to come right out of me...
ARE PUBIC LIABILITY GOING TO SPLIT UP????
If the rumours are actually true (which we doubt) then it means Mason and Macaulay are leaving to form a Scatman John tribute band. We sincerly hope not.
DO NOT CLICK HERE, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN
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